"I'm proud to be a musician. Corny as it sounds, the connections we make with others through music bridges across all the normal divides people tend to keep between each other. It's quite a magical thing, really. But in all honesty, it's really hard not to be jealous of comedians. The response they get from telling a good joke might possibly be the best return on a simple investment that a person can make in life." - Nick Kavali
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they forgot the words!
Q: Why is a piano so hard to open?
A: Because the keys are on the inside!
Q: What's the most musical bone?
A: The trom-bone!
Q: What makes music on your hair?
A: A head band!
Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: Because she got in treble!
Q: What's green and sings?
A: Elvis Parsley!
Q: Why is slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music."Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
Q: Why was the result when a piano fell down a mine shaft?
A: A-flat minor!
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major!
Q: Why are pirates great singers?
A: They can hit the high C's!
Q: What rock group has four guys who don't sing?
A: Mount Rushmore!
Q: What do you get if you cross a serpent and a trumpet?
A: A snake in the brass!
Q: What was stolen from the music store?
A: The lute!
Q: What's the most musical part of a turkey?
A: The drumsticks!
Q: What is a ghost's favorite band?
A: The Boos Brothers!
Q: Why don't ghost have bands?
A: They get booooooooooed!
Q: What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!!!!!
Q: Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
A: to see the boogey man!
Q: What is a Skeleton's favorite song.
A: Bad to the Bone!
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Q: How do you make a band stand?
A: Take their chairs away!
A 'C', an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
Q: What do little penguins sing when their father brings fish home for dinner?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: What type of music are balloons scared of?
A: Pop music!
Q: What's the most musical part of a fish?
A: The scales!
Q: What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
A: You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
Q: What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
A: A Moo-sician!
Q: Why did the singer climb a ladder?
A: She wanted to reach the high notes!
Q: What type of songs do the planets sing?
A: Nep-tunes!
Q: What is a cat's favorite song?
A: Three Blind Mice!
Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear-faced lyre!
A bluegrass band is on their way back from a gig South of the border when they get arrested for playing a banjo after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band finds themselves looking at the business end of a firing squad.
"Ready, Aim,..."
"Earthquake!" yells the guitar player which distracts the guards long enough so he can jump over the wall to freedom.
"Ready, Aim,..."
"Flood!" yells the mandolin player who jumps over the wall to freedom.
Now the banjo player is starting to catch on.
"Ready, Aim,..."
"Fire!" yells the banjo player as loud as he can.......
Q: What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A: A yam session!
Q: What was the pilgrim's favorite style of music?
A: Plymouth Rock!
Q: What does Santa make the elves do when they can't sing?
A: He makes them "wrap"!
Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear!
Q How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
A He holds it up and the world revolves around him!
Q: What song did the octopus serenade his girlfriend with on Valentine's Day?
A: "I Wanna Hold your Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand!"
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt!
Q: What happened when the two angels got married?
A: They lived "harp"ily ever after!
A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop." The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"
'You're out of key, and you've totally picked the wrong number for your vocal range. Face it, you'll never make it as carol singers'
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue!
Q: Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
A: They kept saying Bach, Bach!
Q: Why couldn't the athlete listen to her music?
A: Because she broke the record!
Q: What has forty feet and sings?
A: The school choir!
Q: Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
A: In the piano!
Q: Why do fluorescent lights hum?
A: Because they forgot the words!
Q What the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
A You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline! (ouch, sorry banjo fans)
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified!
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was!
What happens when you play a country record backwards? 1. You get out of prison. 2. Your wife comes back to you. 3. Your pickup truck is returned. 4. Your dog comes back to life.
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead!
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: Because he safety pinned himself to the chicken!
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one!
Q: How many music critics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Music critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it!
Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "Well... I didn't wake up this mornin'..."
Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million!
Q: What does New Age music sound like when played backwards?
A: New Age music!
Definitions of some musical styles
JAZZ -- Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES -- Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC -- A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA -- People singing when they should be talking.
RAP -- People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL -- Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK -- Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND -- 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL -- Codpiece and chaps
